


a crack on titan: levi goes to jail

by NazDaNerd, ricecrispbees



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, To Catch A Predator (TV)
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Lots of Dark Humor, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, and i happened to be watching to catch a predator at the time, and of fandom culture in general, anyway shut up and read it, context: my friend and i found a REALLY creepy ship tag on here, it's called a Joke and i'm not writing this as a personal attack on anyone jsdjdjddjdjd, misleading title, not the kind of fic to read if you're iffy abt stuff like what's on tcap, shippers pls don't like. rip me apart for this, so this fuckery ensued, the fact that i feel the need to say this paints a very sad picture of the aot fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-28 22:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17191118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NazDaNerd/pseuds/NazDaNerd, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricecrispbees/pseuds/ricecrispbees
Summary: this is my first time writing this ship uwu,,, p-pwease no hatesies!!levi meets the love of his life in literally the most inconvenient way possible!!!!….i am very sick rn





	1. yes this is a normal Fanned Fiction what r u talking abt

**Author's Note:**

> "so i'm writing a crackfic that may or may not get me killed by a bunch of angry 12 year olds"  
> -word for word the text I sent my boyfriend before cracking my knuckles and pounding this monstrosity out
> 
>  
> 
> if this ends up making zero sense, blame the cold that's been ravaging my systems since Christmas eve  
> also: I haven't written crack in years oh god please don't kill me if it's shitty by crack standards  
> also also: I, Riley Ricecrispbees Internetman, swear I did literally all of this myself and I'm only listing naz as a coauthor bc she's the only one who didn't try to talk me out of writing this

_> one morning in the world of attack on titan, eren woke up in levi's bed. again. without any clothes_

eren: goddammit

eren: levi wake up you old fart

levi [eyes opening immediately upon hearing the fart word]: the fuck did you just call me

eren: we can't keep doing this levi

levi: the fuck are you talking about--

_> he realizes their situation and sits up_

levi: oh

levi: goddammit

eren: that's exactly what I just said. we can't keep doing this captain

levi: why not

eren: first of all that's kind of uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh illegal

eren: and if it turns out not to be by some magical loophole then at the very least it's morally iffy

eren: second of all, I don't know how much longer my body can handle hanji's experiments on me plus your crimes against my asshole

levi: but it's not a crime if you enjoyed it

eren: look me in the goddamn eyes and tell me if I look like I enjoyed it

levi:

eren: that's what I thought

levi: you enjoyed it in the moment tho

eren: dude that's not the point

eren: look I like, really enjoy you and all, but levi. fuck's sake. i'm not 18 yet and you're literally old as dirt. why do we end up doing this

eren: at least wait until im 18

levi: bro you fucking instigate it tho

eren: I don't care

eren: i'm telling Erwin, I can't take this bullshit anymore

levi: bro wait we can work something--

 

_> eren's already gone by then_

 

levi: motherfuck

 

_> later_

 

eren: Erwinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Erwin: what

eren: levi did the thing again

Erwin: what

Erwin: goddammit

eren: that's what I said

Erwin: I've had enough of this shit

Erwin: I'm calling for backup

eren: you don't mean...

Erwin: I do mean

 

_> Erwin produces his phone, which is just a pink DSi with an anime girl taped to the front and a radio antennae hotglued into the charging port, from thin air_

 

Erwin: yeah hey uhh is this Chris Hansen?

Chris: what the fuck do you want erwin

Erwin: hey so

Erwin: remember that one time in high school

Chris:

Chris: I suppose I do owe you a favor, don't I

Erwin: cut the shit and get over here mate I don't have all day

Chris: god. fine. 

 

_> later, in the main area_

 

armin: hey mikasa

armins: something's up with eren

Mikasa: yeah it's called you wont shut the fuck up and leave him alone with me

armin: aren't you two like

armin: adopted siblings

Mikasa:

Mikasa: what does that have to do with anything

armin: it makes the fact that you want to bone him very very creepy

Mikasa: who told you about that

armin: the writing on the wall of your room

Mikasa: ...that's fair

armpit: dude you've really gotta get over him, I think he and captain levi have a thing going on

Mikasa: but isn't that,, like,, illegal

armin: it's not as weird as trying to fuck a sibling

armin: we're practically adults at this point anyway

armin: you can at least outgrow an age limit but you can't un-family your brother

Mikasa: but

armin: jesus. why are we even having this conversation. this is why i'm on xanax

Mikasa: b

Mikasa: you're what now

armin: this is the reason hanji dishes out depressants like candy, mikasa

armin: because nothing that goes on in this shithole of a military base is ever normal enough to handle

armin: and this conversation is one of those things

armin: that makes me want to take a fucking bubble bath with my favorite rubber ducky and a high voltage toaster

Mikasa: Jesus Christ armin are you ok

armin [knocking back a pepsi]: I haven't been ok in years

 

_> levi busts into the room_

 

levi: hello mothers and fuckers, today we will engage in dangerous rope swinging adventures again

levi: hope you titty twisters packed an extra pair of panties because you're gonna need them

Erwin: I could say the same for you, former captain Levi Ackerman

levi: what the fuck are you talking about erwin

Erwin: bring em in, boys

 

_> several assorted camerapeople enter the room, Chris Hansen in tow_

 

Chris: Hi

levi: hanji what the fuck is this

hanji, seated in the corner and eating chia seeds straight from the bag: hrhrrrnmemrhrghrhrngnrh [munching sounds]

Chris: I'm Chris Hansen. Have A Seat.

levi: what the fuck are you doing here. what is this

Chris: Sir, You Are On The Hit Action Anime, To Catch A Pedophile. Any Idea Why You're Here?

levi: well I WAS supposed to be taking these losers here out to beat the shit out of titans from the tops of trees using unstable at best flying gear and swords

Chris: That Sounds Like Fun

levi [blushing]: well...I guess it is sometimes

Chris: Anyway Take A Seat

levi: why

Chris: Take A Fucking Seat Levi

levi: fine [takes a chair and sits]

Chris: So Word On The Street Is You're Fucking The Titan Boy, Levi

Chris: Care To Refute Those Claims?

levi: I mean not really

Chris:

Chris [leaning over to one of his cameramen]: fuck what do I say now

cameraman: dude idk just keep going

cameraman: make out with him or something idc, as long as we walk out of here with some decent content

Chris: ok cool gotcha

 

_> Chris leapt at Levi like a cat jumping between the beds in a hotel and started making out with him passionately._

_> The members of the survey corp stared in confusion. Hanji began to cheer loudly and most of the others followed, albiet doing so in a very confused manner._

 

levi, pulling away from chris with a deep blush on his face: h-hansen-senpai...

Chris: Yes, Levi, My Love?

levi: you are so much better than eren holy fuck

 

_> they began making out again_

 

levi: eren, I no longer love you. Chris is now my new true love

eren: b-b-but levi

levi: shut the fuck up brat. chris we're getting married now

chris: sounds lit, let's go

 

_> the members of chris' crew packs their shit up and leaves, Chris holding Levi bridal style in his arms_

_> as they're leaving, the members of the survey corps realize the caerapeople all have the pornhub logo on the backs of their vests_

 

everybody:

eren: hey what the fuck


	2. i got hoeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chris and levi have the wedding of their dreamz owo XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretty sure I either ruptured my appendix or an ovary laughing at dank memes while I was writing this
> 
> put me out of my fucking misery already

_> it is now the day of the wedding_

_> which is actually like a few hours after the last chapter_

 

eren: armin. dude. this fucking sucks

armin: wh

armin: dude you're the one who fucking snitched

eren: fuck that, I want levi back

armin: bro you can't just

armin: what

eren: I know it's wrong,,, but I love him

armin: 

armin: dude you need to go take a nap

 

_meanwhile_

 

priest man: ok so you fuckers are getting married, that uhhhh *drunken hiccup* that's what I'm getting out of this??

chris: that's what we're fucking here for mate

preist man: cool beans so uh

priest man: uhhhhh wedding verse, wedding verse, blah blah blah married

levi: fuck yes

 

_> chris and levi start making it out again_

 

priest man: mother fuck I forgot to read one of the things

priest man: uhhhhhhhhhh ok so

priest man: if anyone objects to this wedding--

 

_> eren bursts into the room_

 

eren: I DO

priest man: cool

priest man: because I don't give a fuck and they're married now whether you like it or not

eren: GOD DAMN IT [runs out crying]

levi:

chris: hm that was weird

levi: agreed. let's dance. Erwin, start the music

 

_> Erwin begins to rhythmically step on armin's back, causing him to scream the tune of 'in the jungle' by the tokens note for note_

 

levi: ah, this is so romantic

chris: agreed

levi: but I feel like there's something missing....

chris: like what, levi-kun?

levi: I don't know....

chris: oh well

 

armin: guys I think I broke my spinal cord

Erwin: ahaha. always the comedian, armin

armin: no seriously I can't feel my legs

 

_meanwhile 2: electric boogaloo_

 

eren: mikasaaaaaaaa

Mikasa: y-yes senpai?? owo

eren: this sucks

Mikasa: w-what sucks eren, owo

eren: levi ran off with chris Hansen, armin's gonna get hospitalized, and hanji won't stop eating all the chia seeds

hanji, in the corner: hhurhrnnmgmhchghghrmnrmghghg,mnmrghghrmg (chomping noises as she shoves raw chia seeds into her mouth)

eren: and now we're all gonna fucking die because of titans

Mikasa: b-but senpai, you're a titans

Mikasa: :3

eren: 

eren: oh my god

eren: Mikasa you're right

Mikasa, blushing deeply: o-owo?? d-do you mean that, senpai?! OwO

eren: yes. now hop on my shoulder, we have a honeymoon to crash

Mikasa: eren I want to fuck you so badly right now

eren: and all of a sudden, i'm hellen keller

 

_> later, in a hospital room:_

_> armin is laying in a bed, unconscious, tubes attached to every open orifice in his body. Erwin is at his side. levi and chris are *this* close to fucking in the corner_

 

Erwin: armin oh my god i'm so fucking sorry

armin: mmhmph hrghmpm mrgrphrhr

Erwin: oh god

Erwin: armin

Erwin: doctor what's his condition

random doctor: by the looks of it, he's dead fucking meat pal

Erwin: oh god, is that what his tests say??

random doctor: fuck if I know, i'm just passing through here

Erwin: oh thank god

Erwin: so he's not gonna die

doctor: oh no he's definitely fucked

Erwin: oh god i'm literally shkaign and crying

levi and chris: hmgnmhmhmhhng [making out sounds]

 

titan eren, smashing the wall of the hospital room with Mikasa on his shoulder: PICK A GOD AND PRAY, MOTHER FUCKERS

chris: holy shit

levi: eren is that you???

titan eren: WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK, OOMPA LOOMPA LOOKIN HEADASS

levi: eren I do not look like an oompa Loompa in the slightest, what are you--

chris: honey, he's saying it because you're short

levi: oh

levi, pulling out his swords: oh ok I see how it is, dick

titan eren: WAIT

titan eren: THIS IS A HOSPITAL SO LIKE

titan eren: WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE THIS ELSEWHERE

levi: agreed

 

_> they took it to the next door Best Buy's parking lot_

 

levi: alright, mother fucker, let's end this now

titan eren: YES LET'S

 

_> they start duking it out in the parking lot, smashing shit the entire time_

 

chris: FUCK HIM UP, HONEY

titan eren: TRY NOT TO USE YOUR ENTIRE VOCABULARY IN ONE SENTENCE, CHRIS

chris: gasp

levi: holy fuck

levi: brat...that insult was worse than any of mine

titan eren: WAIT DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT OR

levi: y-yes...I do....

 

_> levi begins to blush uncontrollably_

 

chris: w-wait, levi-kun! what's going on?!

levi: h-Hansen-senpai...I have no idea...but I do know that................................................I can't stop this feeling...

 

_> levi looks up at eren_

 

levi: eren...revert back from your titan form....

titan eren: WHY

levi: because I fucking asked you to, cunt

titan eren: OK

 

_> eren reverts back to human form_

 

eren: so what do you want now

levi: I d-don't know...

chris: levi you don't have feelings for him, do you?

levi:

chris: oh...oh god.....

levi: there's only one way this can go down from here I guess

Mikasa: you dump eren for him so I can fuck him finally???

levi: and give you the satisfaction of being able to bang your brother?? god no. anyway you two have to fight to the

Mikasa: rrrrrrRRREEEEEEEEEEEE

 

_> Mikasa begins to screech like a three year old who's just been told they can't have mcdonalds, rushing at levi and colliding with him head-on with the force of a semi truck_

 

levi: g-guh…!

chris: oh god oh fuck I cant do this anymore i'm literally shaking and crying guys pls stop

armin from the hospital room: mmhmmg fmmrmgmh mhpgm

Erwin: what was that armin? [rips out an assortment of tubes from armin's nose and mouth]

armin: I said fuck her shit up levi

Erwin: yeah, fuck her shit up levi!

 

_> Mikasa gives Levi's stomach the equivalent of a Tyson uppercut, nearly killing him on impact_

 

Erwin: oh

Ewrin: jesus christ

armin: eighteen spinal fractures and a punctured lung

armin: but at least my hair was unscathed

 

TO BE CONTINUED (PROBABLY)


	3. content warning for all racial slurs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> riley once again begs fir death as he pounds out another shitty excuse of a crackfic instead of doing makeup work for the classes they're failing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was literally only supposed to be one part. I swear to fuck if this ends up like the fnaf crackfic i wrote in middle school I m gonna end it all

_> Levi and Mikasa are still duking it out in the Best Buy parking lot_

_> And by that I mean Mikasa is relentlessly beating the fuck out of Levi like a human punching bag while everyone else watches in horror_

_ >Erwin is sobbing while drinking wood alcohol straight out of a bottle_

_> armin is struggling for air because Erwin ripped out his fucking breathing tube last time_

 

_> in short: everything's a mess as usual_

 

Mikasa: THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO FUCK MY BROTHER

levi, coughing up enough blood to fill a milk carton: huhhghrgrghhhghghghgrhrhrhrr

chris: wait

chris: so you acknowledge that he's your brother

Mikasa: ...

Mikasa: you shut the hell up [breaks levi's kneecap]

levi: aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOLY FUCK

eren: Mikasa. dude. you need to stop.

Mikasa, blushing deeply once again: o-or else what senpai, owo

eren: or else this

 

_> eren reverts to his titan form and punts her over the horizon like an nfl placekicker_

 

Erwin: holy balls [impulsively smashes the now empty bottle onto the floor] hhehehe smashy

armin: hhhrhhhgh hghghghghhgu ghuhrhhghghghurgu ereeen

titan eren: WHAT

armin: I cannot FuckoNg bReathe

titan eren: ERWIN DID YOU FORGET TO PLUG HIM BACK IN 

armin: hhrurhrfhfhfhhg

titan eren: OH MY GOD

titan eren: ARMIN HANG IN THERE

armpit: hhfhrhrhhhhghhuhhu

titan eren: ERWIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

 

_> Erwin's eyes have completely glazed over and he stumbles aimlessly about the room, accidentally tripping on some more wires and unplugging them from Armin's body in the process_

 

Erwin: guys I think my bac's reached a 9

chris: …you mean a 0.08?

Erwin: no

Erwin: I mean like straight up a 9

Erwin: I literally cannot see anything right now holy shi [vomits pure alcohol onto the floor]

titan eren: OH GOD SOMEONE GET A NURSE

random doctor: too late, he's fucked too from the looks of it. what was he drinking again?

levi: uhhhhhhhhhhh. god what's that stuff called again [picks up a single bottle fragment and reads what's on it] oh yeah. methanol

random doctor: oh god

random doctor: I hope you all are aware that two shots of that stuff can make a Russian go blind

everyone collectively, armin included: 

titan eren: YEAH HE'S GOING TO DIE

levi: sucks for him, let's go get something to eat. i'm hungry

chris: does mcdonalds sound good

levi: fuck yeah

titan eren: I WANT A HAPPY MEAL

titan eren: ARMIN DO YOU WANT ANYTHING

armin: I want my fucking breathing tubes back in eren

titan eren: ...YEAH I'VE GOT LIKE THREE BUCKS AND A SET OF MASSIVE HANDS DUDE, SORRY

armin: mother _fucker_

 

>at mcdonalds

 

cashier: so that'll be three nugget happy meals and a small salad consisting entirely of baked beans and snail shells

levi: sounds about right

cashier: alright cool, have a good day or whatever

titan eren: THANKS

cashier: woah woah woah what the fuck is that [pointing at eren, who is sitting outside of the establishment on the curb]

levi: he's my bitch

chris: scuse me, he's your what now

levi: shit. forgot you were actually listening

chris: levi we need to have a talk

levi: save it for the hospital, ok, I wanna eat my happy meal in goddamn peace

chris, sniffling: f-fine

 

_> the gang heads back to the hospital_

_> armin is still in his hospital bed and Erwin is lying unconscious on the floor with his face in a trash can_

 

titan eren: HEY ARMIN WE BOUGHT YOU A SALAD

armin, breathing tubes back in his face: hhrhhghfh rhhfgfmgmmrg hrgnmfgrgigfgb

 

_> eren reverts back to human form, dropping chris and levi on the ground like marbles by mistake_

 

eren: here [he places the salad on armin's bed-bound body] enjoy

armin: fhfhjhfngb gnrbrhgbnfn nrmrgnmfhghrmn gmfm

eren: anyone know what the fuck he just said?

chris: yeah hold on, i speak breathing tube

chris: he just said fuck you

eren: oh ok

levi: eren we need to talk

eren: oh ok

levi: chris. you too

chris: oh ok

 

_> they go outside the hospital room_

 

chris: is this about you and eren

levi, sweating profusely: maybe

eren: wait levi does this mean you still love me

levi: perhaps

chris: dude hwat the fuck

chris: that's illegal and we're married

levi: ah yes. and yet

chris: dude why

levi: to be fair, his titan form is very bonable

chris: DUDE

eren: u-uwu...thankies levi-senpai

levi: uowo you'we wewcome

chris: alright that's it im calling the police

eren: wait

eren: do you guys hear that??

 

_> the sound of scuttling footsteps can be heard in the distance_

 

eren: oh my god it's mikasa

levi: shit. everybody run

mikasa, scuttling down the hallway at top speed on all fours: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeee

 

\--> To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years day, cucklords

**Author's Note:**

> sorry to everyone watching my content and waiting for me to update my don't starve fics
> 
> that's clearly not happening before the end of the year  
> sorry  
> love you  
> bye


End file.
